How does a relationship stay good?

I had a drinks session at my place the other night, with some friends from my University days in London. Halfway through the drinks and corny jokes, my friend suddenly mentions that he and his wife are quarrelling. Now, if you have ever been in any relationship (and everyone has been in one), you would know that quarrelling is inevitable. In a marriage, I think quarrelling is even more inevitable. You might be thinking that I'm rather cynical at this point and that I shouldn't even be writing this blog entry, but hear me out.

In a friendship, there are times you quarrel - over small and big things. In a parent-child relationship, you quarrel because there's a lot of taking for granted, expectations to meet, but at least there's a choice: you could choose not to talk and your parents will still be there (well, most will anyway). But in a marriage, quarrelling is a serious affair. Ranging from something reeeeally small like which position to put the dishcloth to complex matters like religion or life direction. Living together and getting used to each others likes, dislikes, idosyncracies, habits etc etc can be trying for many couples, especially if they've been used to always getting what they want. Furthermore, they see each other almost all the time (save from work hours) and this increases the risk of conflict. Hence, back to my point that quarrelling is inevitable in a marriage. The difference lies in whether as a couple, things can be worked out in a calm and sensible way.

So, back to my friend. I mentioned to him a Readers' Digest article featuring the book titled '7 Stages of Marriage'(Harrar and DeMaria, 2006) . The first stage was the passion stage, where romance and intense attraction lead to commitment. Stage 2 was the realisation stage, marked by disappointment and conflict as the couple tries to lay the groundwork for a good future. Stage 3, which my friend was clearly at, is rebellion, where self-interest and shared interests join in a tug of war. There is a strong desire to flee (destructive) and a need to be yourself. The fourth stage is that of cooperation, where couples manage money, build careers and look forward to raising kids. Reunion follows, when the kids are grown up and passion needs restoking. Explosion, a period where health woes, family issues or financial problems might settle in, is a period where the union is once again tested. Finally, comes completion, where marital bliss is defined by the trials and tribulations you've gone through as a couple and how well you know each other.

I found this article particularly interesting because I could relate to it. Thankfully, after going through the first three stages, I am now looking forward to cooperating with my husband towards a future together. Before I had gotten acquainted with the field of Positive psychology, I found it a struggle to constantly remind myself to manage my expectations and stay calm etc etc. With some understanding of PP now, however, I tend to see things differently and somehow what seemed to be BIG problems appeared smaller. Here's what I mean:

Case - he works very long hours, has insufficient sleep and ends up being short-tempered

Before

• Grouch and nag about how much work he's doing
• Get upset when he loses his temper talking to me and blame it all on work
• Throw a big fuss and end up being angry all night.
• Note to self: Not very productive and both end up angry.

After PP

• Understand that his signature strength is ZEST and he enjoys doing things to keep up his energy level
• Realise that if he simply watches tv with me, he will be bored and that might affect the relationship even more.
• Solution: Allow him to continue with his work and support him by providing a dose of Vit C, water;
• Result: With my greater understanding and acceptance of his strength, he has also come to appreciate that my actions in the past were due to my signature strength - the capacity to love and be loved.

One may argue that a simple example like that is very hard to apply and not very useful. However, it is powerful because it changes mindsets. No longer am I simply problem-solving, I have changed my perspective and understand him from a different dimension. I realise that in nagging and bugging him, I show him how little I understand him and how little I appreciate the zest he brings to the relationship.

I am certain that by harnessing each others' strengths, a couple can move out from the rebellion stage into the cooperation stage. How long it will take to move from one stage to another is entirely dependent on the players in the relationshop.