I am in good spirits today! I attended the 1st Asian Conference on the Science of Happiness and Well-being organised by the Global Leadership Academy. A two-day conference, it brings to Singapore some of the leading authorities in Positive Psychology. Today, Martin Seligman (or Marty), Sonja Lyuyubomirsky, George Valliant and Catherine Lim spoke. I had to rush bk to work for a meeting so I missed Catherine Lim's talk on the joy of story-telling. I guess I will have to ask my colleagues how that went.
Anyway, I wanted to write today about 3 good things. I had previously read about it in Authentic Happiness, but did not write about it yet as I was experimenting with it with my hubby. 3 good things is essentially a positive intervention which allows one to experience positive emotions like contentment, satisfaction, serenity and pride.
Here's what you can do. Every night, you can either think about it to yourself or write down in a diary 3 good things that happened to you and why. You could also choose to share it with someone. It really depends on your style; the method you choose should be a good 'fit' for you. According to Sonja, 'fit' is critical so that you can really experience the positive emotions associated with the intervention.
An example of my own:
1. I have the opportunity to attend this Happiness Conference. It went very well because I finally got to hear Martin speak and meet many interesting people. All because I wrote to my bosses to allow me to attend this conference on company funds. Am very thankful that they supported me!
2. My husband picked me up from work when I ended late because of a meeting. He was patient and I had informed him beforehand that i might be late. Was very happy that he agreed to stay later at work so he could fetch me.
3. I discovered a recipe on the internet to remove cellulite using coffee grounds and moisturiser and used it for the first time. Good news - while the cellulite has not disappeared or reduced as yet, some rough pimple-like bumps on my leg have! All because I was willing to try it out! Yeah!
I have added a twist to this - using my signature strength. As mentioned, mine is the capacity to love and be loved. Every night, I will hug my husband and we will take turns to share our 3 good things while hugging. You cannot imagine how soothing it is and how it has brought us such an increase in positive emotion. It was simply addictive! Just as Martin says, the difference between therapy and positive psychology is that positive psychology interventions are self-maintaining once you've tried them out - you get hooked on them!
Try it out for yourself and let me know how you feel. :)
Wednesday, 16 April 2008
Monday, 31 March 2008
How does a relationship stay good?
I had a drinks session at my place the other night, with some friends from my University days in London. Halfway through the drinks and corny jokes, my friend suddenly mentions that he and his wife are quarrelling. Now, if you have ever been in any relationship (and everyone has been in one), you would know that quarrelling is inevitable. In a marriage, I think quarrelling is even more inevitable. You might be thinking that I'm rather cynical at this point and that I shouldn't even be writing this blog entry, but hear me out.
In a friendship, there are times you quarrel - over small and big things. In a parent-child relationship, you quarrel because there's a lot of taking for granted, expectations to meet, but at least there's a choice: you could choose not to talk and your parents will still be there (well, most will anyway). But in a marriage, quarrelling is a serious affair. Ranging from something reeeeally small like which position to put the dishcloth to complex matters like religion or life direction. Living together and getting used to each others likes, dislikes, idosyncracies, habits etc etc can be trying for many couples, especially if they've been used to always getting what they want. Furthermore, they see each other almost all the time (save from work hours) and this increases the risk of conflict. Hence, back to my point that quarrelling is inevitable in a marriage. The difference lies in whether as a couple, things can be worked out in a calm and sensible way.
So, back to my friend. I mentioned to him a Readers' Digest article featuring the book titled '7 Stages of Marriage'(Harrar and DeMaria, 2006) . The first stage was the passion stage, where romance and intense attraction lead to commitment. Stage 2 was the realisation stage, marked by disappointment and conflict as the couple tries to lay the groundwork for a good future. Stage 3, which my friend was clearly at, is rebellion, where self-interest and shared interests join in a tug of war. There is a strong desire to flee (destructive) and a need to be yourself. The fourth stage is that of cooperation, where couples manage money, build careers and look forward to raising kids. Reunion follows, when the kids are grown up and passion needs restoking. Explosion, a period where health woes, family issues or financial problems might settle in, is a period where the union is once again tested. Finally, comes completion, where marital bliss is defined by the trials and tribulations you've gone through as a couple and how well you know each other.
I found this article particularly interesting because I could relate to it. Thankfully, after going through the first three stages, I am now looking forward to cooperating with my husband towards a future together. Before I had gotten acquainted with the field of Positive psychology, I found it a struggle to constantly remind myself to manage my expectations and stay calm etc etc. With some understanding of PP now, however, I tend to see things differently and somehow what seemed to be BIG problems appeared smaller. Here's what I mean:
Case - he works very long hours, has insufficient sleep and ends up being short-tempered
Before
In a friendship, there are times you quarrel - over small and big things. In a parent-child relationship, you quarrel because there's a lot of taking for granted, expectations to meet, but at least there's a choice: you could choose not to talk and your parents will still be there (well, most will anyway). But in a marriage, quarrelling is a serious affair. Ranging from something reeeeally small like which position to put the dishcloth to complex matters like religion or life direction. Living together and getting used to each others likes, dislikes, idosyncracies, habits etc etc can be trying for many couples, especially if they've been used to always getting what they want. Furthermore, they see each other almost all the time (save from work hours) and this increases the risk of conflict. Hence, back to my point that quarrelling is inevitable in a marriage. The difference lies in whether as a couple, things can be worked out in a calm and sensible way.
So, back to my friend. I mentioned to him a Readers' Digest article featuring the book titled '7 Stages of Marriage'(Harrar and DeMaria, 2006) . The first stage was the passion stage, where romance and intense attraction lead to commitment. Stage 2 was the realisation stage, marked by disappointment and conflict as the couple tries to lay the groundwork for a good future. Stage 3, which my friend was clearly at, is rebellion, where self-interest and shared interests join in a tug of war. There is a strong desire to flee (destructive) and a need to be yourself. The fourth stage is that of cooperation, where couples manage money, build careers and look forward to raising kids. Reunion follows, when the kids are grown up and passion needs restoking. Explosion, a period where health woes, family issues or financial problems might settle in, is a period where the union is once again tested. Finally, comes completion, where marital bliss is defined by the trials and tribulations you've gone through as a couple and how well you know each other.
I found this article particularly interesting because I could relate to it. Thankfully, after going through the first three stages, I am now looking forward to cooperating with my husband towards a future together. Before I had gotten acquainted with the field of Positive psychology, I found it a struggle to constantly remind myself to manage my expectations and stay calm etc etc. With some understanding of PP now, however, I tend to see things differently and somehow what seemed to be BIG problems appeared smaller. Here's what I mean:
Case - he works very long hours, has insufficient sleep and ends up being short-tempered
Before
- Grouch and nag about how much work he's doing
- Get upset when he loses his temper talking to me and blame it all on work
- Throw a big fuss and end up being angry all night.
- Note to self: Not very productive and both end up angry.
After PP
- Understand that his signature strength is ZEST and he enjoys doing things to keep up his energy level
- Realise that if he simply watches tv with me, he will be bored and that might affect the relationship even more.
- Solution: Allow him to continue with his work and support him by providing a dose of Vit C, water;
- Result: With my greater understanding and acceptance of his strength, he has also come to appreciate that my actions in the past were due to my signature strength - the capacity to love and be loved.
One may argue that a simple example like that is very hard to apply and not very useful. However, it is powerful because it changes mindsets. No longer am I simply problem-solving, I have changed my perspective and understand him from a different dimension. I realise that in nagging and bugging him, I show him how little I understand him and how little I appreciate the zest he brings to the relationship.
I am certain that by harnessing each others' strengths, a couple can move out from the rebellion stage into the cooperation stage. How long it will take to move from one stage to another is entirely dependent on the players in the relationshop.
Sunday, 16 March 2008
Happiness is only 10% dependent on circumstances
I attended a seminar last Saturday, conducted by pioneer Asian MAPP alumni Sulynn Choong. It was an exciting day for me, to finally meet someone who had actually gone through the MAPP. I gained much from her sharing and thought of penning down the most pertinent parts of her talk (for my own reference and maybe for others).
1. As the blog entry is titled, "Happiness is only 10% dependent on circumstances", I shall begin with this nugget. In research done by Sheldon, K. M., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2006), it was found that happiness has a so-called 'set-point' which is 50% (ref to the pie chart below) i.e. you are normally 50% happy and satisfied. The rest of the 50% which people usually attribute happiness to is actually only 10% due to the circumstances around us. Yes, those moments when you could have sworn you were depressed; those times when you felt the world was against you; those times when you knew someone had intentionally made life hell for you. What's the other 40% then?
As you can see in the chart on the left, 40% of our happiness is determined by the intentional activities that one chooses to take part in. This refers to:
1. Making a choice every morning that work is great
2. Whatever people say or do to you tells you nothing about the person you are, because you know who you are
3. Greeting people with a smile (instead of a dead-panned moan)
4. Finding ways to exercise our signature strengths (see 1st post)
1. As the blog entry is titled, "Happiness is only 10% dependent on circumstances", I shall begin with this nugget. In research done by Sheldon, K. M., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2006), it was found that happiness has a so-called 'set-point' which is 50% (ref to the pie chart below) i.e. you are normally 50% happy and satisfied. The rest of the 50% which people usually attribute happiness to is actually only 10% due to the circumstances around us. Yes, those moments when you could have sworn you were depressed; those times when you felt the world was against you; those times when you knew someone had intentionally made life hell for you. What's the other 40% then?
As you can see in the chart on the left, 40% of our happiness is determined by the intentional activities that one chooses to take part in. This refers to:1. Making a choice every morning that work is great
2. Whatever people say or do to you tells you nothing about the person you are, because you know who you are
3. Greeting people with a smile (instead of a dead-panned moan)
4. Finding ways to exercise our signature strengths (see 1st post)
The list could go on and on, but what struck me was that when bad things happen, as human beings, we tend to blame the circumstances that befall us, when in fact, our happiness is pretty much within our control.
So for example, you have a long or bad day at work and when you go home, your partner grouches at you for no apparent reason. Do you:
- Grouch back at him
- Give him the benefit of the doubt that he might've had a bad day too?
- Say nothing
- Hug him and tell him that you understand and you'd love to listen to him
If you chose option 2, I'd say you're well on your way to putting happiness within your control and not allowing yourself to let other people determine how you should feel that way. That said, it's of course easier just saying it. Why not try it? You might be surprised at how great it feels! :)
If you chose option 3, though it seems to be better than option 1 (less aggressive) it's not always better either. Having no reaction towards a potentially correctable situation could signal to him that it's 'ok' to continue doing so and the intensity/frequency might increase.
If you chose option 4, you are a SAINT! In fact, it requires us to be selfless and really put others before ourselves. By sharing with your partner that you love him and that you are willing to listen to him provides much-needed support. You too would find comfort in him/her and your burden/troubles will be shared. Sorrow, when shared, is halved. Happiness, when shared, is doubled.
Each of the answers above can be categorised further and how you respond to your partner determines how he/she responds to you and in turn how happy you will be. I will address this little nugget in the next entry.
I just realised that once I start writing about something I love so much, I am simply unable to cover all the information I learnt in one blog entry. To all, here's to working to being a SAINT! I can personally tell you that doing so brings you joy that feels soo good, you'd wanna keep doing it.
Thursday, 6 March 2008
What are your strengths?
We all know that we have our strengths and weaknesses, but in what concrete terms do we know this? Martin Seligman, pioneer of the Positive psychology field, has developed a test to measure your strengths. It's called the VIA Strengths test and comprises 240 questions.
You can register and take the test at http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx
It's free to register and there are many other tests you can take. Of course, there's an implicit assumption that you know yourself well. Answering these questions requires you to think more about yourself and then assess how much each of the statements describes you. Also, these strengths can change with time, especially if you have just experienced a major shift in your life, be it work, family or others.
These character strengths are classified according to the following criteria*:
1. Ubiquity -widely recognised across cultures
2. Fulfilling - it must contribute to individual fulfilment, satisfaction and happiness (in a broad sense)
3. Morally valued - is valued in its own right and not as a means to an end
4. Does not diminish others - elevates others who witness it, producing admiration, not jealousy
5. Nonfelicitous opposite - has obvious antonyms that are "negative"
6. Traitlike - is an individual difference with demonstrable generality and stability
7. Measurable - has been successfully measured by researchers as an individual difference
8. Distinctiveness - is not redundant with other character strengths
9. Paragons - is strikingly embodied in some individuals
10. Prodigies - is precosiously shown by some children or youth
11. Selective absence - is missing altogether in some individuals
12. Institutions - is the deliberate target of society practices and rituals that try to cultivate it
* Seligman et al (2005)
While you might think that with 12 criteria, it might be difficult to even find a single strength, you will find that there are 24 altogether, classified according to six overarching virtues that almost every culture in the world endorses. They are: wisdom, courage, humanity, justice, temperance and transcendence (Dahlsgarrd, Peterson & Seligman, in press). Which virtue category, if I may call it that, do you fall under?
I would think that for some people it would be extremely obvious i.e. when they find out what their signature strength is, they will not have an 'aha' moment, but simply nod in agreement. That's what happened for me. However, it doesn't warrant it useless, instead it is a clearer articulation of what really you are good at. It also doesn't mean that the other strengths listed are your weaknesses; it simply means that amongst 24 strengths, there are some that are your signature strengths. As the word signature implies, it exemplifies you. You embody these characteristics and most of your friends would be able to identify it.
I have to add here that I find this test diferent from tests like the MBTI (Myers-Brigg) Personality test. The MBTI seeems to categorise people according to personalities and it almost seems as if personalities cannot change. Although it has been explained that the results of the MBTI only explain generally what type of person you are (for instance, I'm an ENFP), but it should be noted that personalities exist along a continuum. This means that while I'm generally an F (Feeling), at work, I can be a T (Thinking). For signature strengths, I have this feeling that it's not so much determining the personality of the person, but what the person can harness in themselves to make themselves lastingly happy - and that in itself lies the difference. The MBTI only tells you how you would like things to be done, but the VIA strengths test tells you more than that - it tells you who you are and how, by exercising these strengths, you can find happiness.
This notion might seem unbelievable to many, but it certainly has opened my eyes to a different way of looking at myself. I hope it will open yours too.
You can register and take the test at http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx
It's free to register and there are many other tests you can take. Of course, there's an implicit assumption that you know yourself well. Answering these questions requires you to think more about yourself and then assess how much each of the statements describes you. Also, these strengths can change with time, especially if you have just experienced a major shift in your life, be it work, family or others.
These character strengths are classified according to the following criteria*:
1. Ubiquity -widely recognised across cultures
2. Fulfilling - it must contribute to individual fulfilment, satisfaction and happiness (in a broad sense)
3. Morally valued - is valued in its own right and not as a means to an end
4. Does not diminish others - elevates others who witness it, producing admiration, not jealousy
5. Nonfelicitous opposite - has obvious antonyms that are "negative"
6. Traitlike - is an individual difference with demonstrable generality and stability
7. Measurable - has been successfully measured by researchers as an individual difference
8. Distinctiveness - is not redundant with other character strengths
9. Paragons - is strikingly embodied in some individuals
10. Prodigies - is precosiously shown by some children or youth
11. Selective absence - is missing altogether in some individuals
12. Institutions - is the deliberate target of society practices and rituals that try to cultivate it
* Seligman et al (2005)
While you might think that with 12 criteria, it might be difficult to even find a single strength, you will find that there are 24 altogether, classified according to six overarching virtues that almost every culture in the world endorses. They are: wisdom, courage, humanity, justice, temperance and transcendence (Dahlsgarrd, Peterson & Seligman, in press). Which virtue category, if I may call it that, do you fall under?
I would think that for some people it would be extremely obvious i.e. when they find out what their signature strength is, they will not have an 'aha' moment, but simply nod in agreement. That's what happened for me. However, it doesn't warrant it useless, instead it is a clearer articulation of what really you are good at. It also doesn't mean that the other strengths listed are your weaknesses; it simply means that amongst 24 strengths, there are some that are your signature strengths. As the word signature implies, it exemplifies you. You embody these characteristics and most of your friends would be able to identify it.
I have to add here that I find this test diferent from tests like the MBTI (Myers-Brigg) Personality test. The MBTI seeems to categorise people according to personalities and it almost seems as if personalities cannot change. Although it has been explained that the results of the MBTI only explain generally what type of person you are (for instance, I'm an ENFP), but it should be noted that personalities exist along a continuum. This means that while I'm generally an F (Feeling), at work, I can be a T (Thinking). For signature strengths, I have this feeling that it's not so much determining the personality of the person, but what the person can harness in themselves to make themselves lastingly happy - and that in itself lies the difference. The MBTI only tells you how you would like things to be done, but the VIA strengths test tells you more than that - it tells you who you are and how, by exercising these strengths, you can find happiness.
This notion might seem unbelievable to many, but it certainly has opened my eyes to a different way of looking at myself. I hope it will open yours too.
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